Living With My Choices

Our daughter was 4 years old and our son was 6 months old when I was laid off from The Boeing Company nearly 14 years ago. Our daughter, now a senior in high school, and our son a freshman, seem to be needing me at home even more than ever.

Back when I was laid off I was thrilled for a while to stay home with my youngsters, reading stories, going to the zoo, playing at the park. But soon the urge to get back into the workplace really took hold of me, and I fought for my right to go back to work. With the steep competition of the others laid off in the same season, I formed my own business and worked around the needs of my children not yet in school.

The years went on and they eventually both went to school all day, freeing me to work full time. Nearly ten years ago I went to work for a hospital in our community, five years of which I worked night shift, at times working nearly 60 hours per week, due to staffing needs and high census in the hospital. The money has always been good and the job security very stable. However, each year I longed to be home with my kids, as it grew harder and harder to take a day off to chaperone field trips for school, meet for parent conferences, or just be there when they were ill at home.

I recently took about two months off work for a medical leave of absence. The closer I got to going back to work, the more I began to realize, “I don’t want to go back. I want to be here for my kids.”

I had settled into a routine of making them breakfast, making their lunches, keeping up with the laundry and relaxing in the evening to have family time. Although my current work schedule is day shift, often the stress of the job and the fatigue of getting older cause my home life to have less quality and I lean toward being in bed closer to 8pm, versus the nights when I stayed up well past midnight playing Monopoly with the kids.

It is settled, I must work, in order to maintain ownership of our home, our vehicles and our lifestyle. I have great purpose in my role at the hospital, and am thankful to work in a capacity that I find to be truly fulfilling. It is a hard choice to have made and be forced to live with, though, when I long again for the days of snuggling with my kids in front of the window watching the rain pouring down outside. I yearn for the times we ran through the park and played until we were exhausted and ran home for popsicles.

My stepdaughter recently gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. I long for the day when I am retired, and can be home with them, read to them, play with them, and cherish them. Of course I can do this now, but to give my undivided attention, is the longing of a mother’s heart, a grandmother’s heart. I have told my children over and over how much I love them, and they know I’d rather be home for them more than anything. I trust that they will cling to their time home with their children one day, and know the priviledge it holds.