When to start dating again …
Starting dating again after a major relationship ending …
by Leaf McGowan
The four paths people take after an end of a relationship. If you’re in any other than the fourth, you need to still heal.
- Pathway 1 Drifting through life—Freeze, indecision, giving up the struggle, fatigue and withdrawal.
- Pathway 2 Continuing the crisis—Fight, melodrama, getting even, playing victim, not letting go, resentment and nervous breakdown.
- Pathway 3 Rebound relationship—Flight, frantic search, hasty friendship, early comfort, poor matching, conflict and later suffering.
- Pathway 4 Building a new life—Freedom, understand and accept reality, resolve to build new life, let go of past, taking responsibility for planning life, new energy, positive attitude towards self and situation, develop purpose in life, manage time better, new communication skills, resolving conflicts, emotional maturity, self confidence, achieving goals, life satisfaction, self esteem crisis, become involved in life, rise in enthusiasm, build friendship and taking relationship skills.
Source: http://www.relate.gov.au/separation/life_building.html
So, you’ve been married for what seemed to be a lifetime and now its come to an end. It’s time to move on and entering the dating world again. Are you healed? How do you avoid jumping into a rebound? How do you re-pack and lighten your emotional baggage load on the trip down lover’s lane?
I just got into a discussion with some friends about the ends of relationships on Livejournal, so figured I’d write this small piece on when is it time to start again? (some extracted from a journal post I made several years ago after my divorce)
Most experts state its best to divide the number of years (or months) of committed relationship time in half, and that is the number of years or months it’ll take to get over your previous partner. Some think that’s a bit too long, so others have recommended anywhere from two weeks to three months. Everyone is different and everyone moves at different speeds. But its recommended to at least process your last relationship and know why it ended before jumping into another because you don’t want your new relationship to be a rebound or a messy pileup for your emotional baggage.
Get yourself active and involved in activities, networking, hanging out with other singles, going out dancing, to movies, or events. Don’t mope at home. Pick up some hobbies. Mingle at singles events.
Be easy on the new person you date. Treat each relationship like you’ve never had a bad one, and be aware that everyone has baggage from failed relationships. Don’t let it bubble, bubble, toil and trouble onto your next. If you haven’t processed and ended things emotionally with your last relationship, then make a conscious effort not to project your open issues - see them as a clean slate and let the relationship unfold with no connections to your past.
For Goddess sake, don’t go back to your Ex. Bouncing back or sling shotting to your Ex. Is a big no-no. It’s ended, make it so. Doesn’t matter how lonely you get, do not go back! A rekindling is not worth it. The more you fall back on your old ways, the harder it is to move on to the future. You will find someone else.
Journaling or blogging are excellent tools for processing your thoughts. If you’re private, try a paper journal or a blog that has privacy - your eyes only - viewing priveleges. If you value input from friends, place it in a “friends only” or “selected filter” so you can get their input. Journal what went well and what could have improved for a better relationship. Understand the pros and cons that existed with that partner. Recognize the negative patterns that exist between you and your partners. See any patterns? Recognize them and either improve them in yourself, or avoid potential partners that display the patterns you don’t want to be part of. Set goals for the future.
Watch out how much you talk about past relationships. Its a big flag you’ve got emotional baggage. If you constantly dwell on the past and your past relationships, you won’t move on. Plus its quite annoying for your new partner, regardless of how interested they might be in hearing about your past relations (or uninterested and pretending that they are interested), and it’ll actually drive the new relationship into the ground.
Be respectful of others. Don’t date again until you feel you are ready and have processed your stuff. Rebounds might have temporary healing benefits, but in general they are really unfair and detrimental to new relationships.
Good luck!!!
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